So. The school year is almost over, which is why I'm writing this post now. For as much as I love the school that my son is at and have nothing but positive things to say about his teachers, anyone and everyone who is friends with me - on facebook or in real life - knows that I have one big problem with my experience thus far.
Which is that the school district will not bus my children to school. I live too close - six tenths of a mile from the elementary school he attends - and therefore as a cost saving measure no bus will drive down my street and pick my children up. Even if, at five years old, they barely weigh THIRTY-FIVE POUNDS. Even when there is three feet of snow covering all the sidewalks on my street. Even if I am pretty sure that on any given day there is only a 50% chance if I sent my child out the door and told him to walk himself to school that he would not end up swimming in the neighbor's pool or attending Mass at the Catholic church he'd pass on the way there. But I was told that safety is not the school district's problem. Apparently it is the parents' responsibility to get their kids to and from school - not theirs.
Yet another thing I wish I would have known before having kids.
I have whined and complained about this all year to anyone who would listen, which includes my husband, my kid's teacher, the school district's department of transportation, the school board, and the superintendent. I did everything short of getting a mob of angry protesters to chant "Donna Martin Graduates" outside of the Board of Education - all to no avail. I'm not the first parent to challenge the district's busing policy. Those school administrators are prepared for parents like me. They showed up with stacks of spreadsheets. I took one look at them and waved a white flag and resigned myself to eight years of driving my children to and from school. Every. Single. Day.
Now, I realize this is not the worst problem one could have, and to some people it's not even a problem at all. Many parents only have one child and see nothing wrong with spending their days as an unpaid chauffer (and spare me the line about getting paid in 'love' because that's bullshit and you know it). Also, I have discovered that there are some parents who choose to drive their children because they don't approve of the "school bus culture" (which I hope to God means some swearing and dirty jokes and not sexual favors performed in the back of the bus).
I wish I was the kind of parent who felt that getting three kids in and out of my car twice a day to drive a little more than a half of a mile was worth preserving their innocence. Sadly, I do not, in part because they learned all those bad words a long time ago from me.
Also, because of this:
Typical Morning in my House:
6:12 Kid #1 throws himself into bed with me. I tell him we aren't going downstairs until 6:30. He proceeds to wake me every two and a half minutes to tell me what time it is until...
6:23 ...I give up and we go downstairs. Pour a bowl of Cheerios for Kid #1. I look at the baby monitor and see that Kid #3 is trying to take his first steps in his crib but keeps falling on his butt. Figure it won't happen in the next few minutes so I start the coffee, check email, check facebook, check instagram and then realize it's...
7:15 OMG f-ing social media.
7:16 Throw a Lunchable and a yogurt in the lunch box, take yesterday's papers out of the backpack and breathe a sigh of relief that there was nothing in there that Kid was supposed to have completed the night before and tell myself that today (TODAY!!!) I will check the folder right after school in case there's a homework assignment that needs to get done. Tiger Mom's for sure do stuff like that. I WILL BE a Tiger Mom!
7:17 Think that maybe I should actually READ Tiger Mom.
7:18 Kid #1 has decided he doesn't want his Cheerios, drinks a chocolate milk instead and tells me it's time to leave. School doesn't start for 22 minutes but somewhere along the way Kid #1 has developed his father's uncontrollable need to be the first person to arrive anywhere for anything. I didn't realize the motto "early is on time and on time is late" could be genetically imprinted on DNA.
And for the record Kid #1 has never been late to school. I know that school starts at 8 am. 7:59 counts as on time and you know it. But Kid #1 has decided that the best way to start his day is by having some one-on-one time with his teacher before the other kids arrive. I think it's maybe a first-born thing to need to have to have the undivided attention of every adult in your life before you lose it to a bunch of other whiny brats.
7:19 Feel sorry for teachers.
7:20 Tell Kid #1 that if he wants to be on-time he needs to get dressed now. Toss him his clothes and head upstairs to take the emotional temperature of kid #2 who is NOT A MORNING PERSON. He gets that from me.
Pause outside of Kid #3's door and hear him grunting happily to himself. Realize he's probably pooping and keep walking.
Peek in to find Kid #2 hiding under the covers. Crawl under the blankets with him and proceed to tell him how special he is and what a great day we have planned and that it's going to be SO MUCH FUN taking kid #1 to Kindergarten and why don't we go downstairs now so he can have something to eat before we leave?
7:22 Think that when the kids are grown maybe I will become a hostage negotiator or talk people off of ledges. Terrorists and psychopaths probably have a lot in common with my three year old.
7:26 Exit Kid #2's room and stop to collect Kid #3. Carry #2 and #3 down the stairs because one refuses to walk and one cannot walk yet. Wonder how Kid #1 will get to school when I fall down the stairs and break my back.
7:28 Kid #1 is getting anxious. It is almost 7:30 and that is we should ALREADY BE IN THE CAR and WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE HIM?
The major flaw in his argument is that he still isn't dressed. Tell him we aren't going anywhere until he puts his clothes on. That buys me at least five more minutes. Slide the rejected bowl of Kid #1's soggy Cheerios to Kid #2 and say "Look! I made you breakfast before you got up so it would be ready for you when you came down!" One mouthful and his expression tells me he knows I am full of shit. He asks for Eggo pancakes. I throw three frozen discs into the mircowave.
7:30 Kid #3 is crying and has indeed pooped. I hand him his bottle and change his diaper and then abandon him to get the pancakes out of the microwave and cut them up for kid #2. Kid #3 is the first of my three children to figure out how to hold his own bottle. I guess somewhere along the way he realized that his survival depended on it.
7:31 Marvel at evolution.
7:36 Kid #1 is dressed. His shirt is on backwards but he refuses to turn it around. I decide the Kindergarten teacher has probably seen worse and let it go. Kid #2 wants to play with play doh. Fine but only if he eats his chocolate chip pancakes. Because I'm all about nutrition.
7:38 Kid #3 has finished his bottle and is eating the play doh that Kid #2 is dropping off of the kitchen table. Figure there's time to get some food in the baby before we have to get in the car and spoon some of the twice rejected mushy Cheerios onto his high chair tray. He eats it happily.
7:39 Think about how awesome third kids are.
7:41 Kid #3 reaches over and grabs a plate off of the kitchen table and throws it on the ground with the enthusiasm of a guest at a Greek wedding. Pick the biggest chunks up off the floor and make a mental note to sweep later. Realize I will probably forget to do that and decide that I am happy that it was a ceramic plate and not glass.
7:42 Wonder if it was a good idea having a third kid.
7:43 Kid #1 is in the back row of the minivan yelling at us that it's time to go. Kid #3 decides to stiffen every muscle in his body the moment I attempt to put him in the car seat, providing me with my ab and arm workout of the day. Both of us are sweating but I win. I always win.
7:44 Run back into the house to collect Kid #2. He is standing at the door with a bag of pretzels, a juice box, his security blanket and an ipad. Have I mentioned that it takes LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES to get to school and back? Think about telling him he doesn't need any of that for a car ride this short. Oh, who am I kidding, if I let him take this stuff I can avoid having a major battle at 7:45 am and Kid #1 potentially imploding in the back seat. Let's just go.
Kid #2 pauses.
"Actually" he says, "I think I have to poop."
I swear to G-d this child holds his poop until it's time to take his brother to school. It took six months to convince him that pooping on the potty is a REALLY GOOD THING. He knows I am not going to jeopardize his newfound potty training success by telling him to hold it or by getting mad. It's his "I might be the middle child but I WILL have control over my morning" ultimate act of defiance.
For the record, I totally respect this.
7:46 Finally get Kid #2's butt wiped and throw him in the car. He is screaming because I forgot his pretzels. Baby is screaming because he's in the car. Kid #1 is screaming that we are now officially going to be LATE. I am screaming that I need everyone to STOP SCREAMING.
7:47 I wave to the Indian neighbor heading off to Kumon with her three year old in tow. He is not screaming. He's probably reading War and Peace in the backseat. Wonder when Indians will officially rule the world.
7:48 Pull up to the school. Kid #1 jumps out of the car and starts running down the sidewalk. As the minivan doors slowly close I smile at the sight of his skinny little legs and flailing arms.
Then I realize Kid #1 left his backpack in the car, "OH SHIT" I yell. A parent walking their child down the sidewalk glares at me. Crap, I just said that out loud. See, bus culture is nothing compared to what you hear coming out the window of my Odyssey. I start screaming "You forgot your backpack!!!" but the noise of the buses letting off kids and the kids themselves drowns out my cries. I pull into a parking space and jump out of the car, grabbing both kids and the backpack.
I look at myself. I am wearing flip flops, pajama pants, an old tee shirt and no bra. Both kids are in their jammies and my three year old is not wearing shoes. I do not look like I've been awake for an hour and a half. I do not look like I know what a hairbrush is.
I can't believe I have to walk into my son's elementary school like this. I search for an adult who I can hand the backpack off to so I don't have to go inside but they all look so together - they're wearing pants with zippers and everything - and I'm too embarrassed to approach them. Luckily, the moment I get to the door the guidance counselor walks out of it with his hand on my son's shoulder. "Looking for someone?" he asks cheefully.
Kid #1 looks up at me with tears welling in his eyes. "I forgot my backpack" he says. I hand it to him. He looks at me, grateful for something I've done for the first time this morning. I bend down and hug him. "Have a great day." I say. He smiles and turns to go back inside.
7:50 Put Kid #2 and Kid #3 back in the car. Start to drive away. Paul Simon's "Loves Me Like a Rock" is on the radio.
"...she loves me like a rock, rocks me like the rock of ages, she loves me....she loves me loves me loves me loves me."
Oh, do I ever!
Which is that the school district will not bus my children to school. I live too close - six tenths of a mile from the elementary school he attends - and therefore as a cost saving measure no bus will drive down my street and pick my children up. Even if, at five years old, they barely weigh THIRTY-FIVE POUNDS. Even when there is three feet of snow covering all the sidewalks on my street. Even if I am pretty sure that on any given day there is only a 50% chance if I sent my child out the door and told him to walk himself to school that he would not end up swimming in the neighbor's pool or attending Mass at the Catholic church he'd pass on the way there. But I was told that safety is not the school district's problem. Apparently it is the parents' responsibility to get their kids to and from school - not theirs.
Yet another thing I wish I would have known before having kids.
I have whined and complained about this all year to anyone who would listen, which includes my husband, my kid's teacher, the school district's department of transportation, the school board, and the superintendent. I did everything short of getting a mob of angry protesters to chant "Donna Martin Graduates" outside of the Board of Education - all to no avail. I'm not the first parent to challenge the district's busing policy. Those school administrators are prepared for parents like me. They showed up with stacks of spreadsheets. I took one look at them and waved a white flag and resigned myself to eight years of driving my children to and from school. Every. Single. Day.
Now, I realize this is not the worst problem one could have, and to some people it's not even a problem at all. Many parents only have one child and see nothing wrong with spending their days as an unpaid chauffer (and spare me the line about getting paid in 'love' because that's bullshit and you know it). Also, I have discovered that there are some parents who choose to drive their children because they don't approve of the "school bus culture" (which I hope to God means some swearing and dirty jokes and not sexual favors performed in the back of the bus).
I wish I was the kind of parent who felt that getting three kids in and out of my car twice a day to drive a little more than a half of a mile was worth preserving their innocence. Sadly, I do not, in part because they learned all those bad words a long time ago from me.
Also, because of this:
Typical Morning in my House:
6:12 Kid #1 throws himself into bed with me. I tell him we aren't going downstairs until 6:30. He proceeds to wake me every two and a half minutes to tell me what time it is until...
6:23 ...I give up and we go downstairs. Pour a bowl of Cheerios for Kid #1. I look at the baby monitor and see that Kid #3 is trying to take his first steps in his crib but keeps falling on his butt. Figure it won't happen in the next few minutes so I start the coffee, check email, check facebook, check instagram and then realize it's...
7:15 OMG f-ing social media.
7:16 Throw a Lunchable and a yogurt in the lunch box, take yesterday's papers out of the backpack and breathe a sigh of relief that there was nothing in there that Kid was supposed to have completed the night before and tell myself that today (TODAY!!!) I will check the folder right after school in case there's a homework assignment that needs to get done. Tiger Mom's for sure do stuff like that. I WILL BE a Tiger Mom!
7:17 Think that maybe I should actually READ Tiger Mom.
7:18 Kid #1 has decided he doesn't want his Cheerios, drinks a chocolate milk instead and tells me it's time to leave. School doesn't start for 22 minutes but somewhere along the way Kid #1 has developed his father's uncontrollable need to be the first person to arrive anywhere for anything. I didn't realize the motto "early is on time and on time is late" could be genetically imprinted on DNA.
And for the record Kid #1 has never been late to school. I know that school starts at 8 am. 7:59 counts as on time and you know it. But Kid #1 has decided that the best way to start his day is by having some one-on-one time with his teacher before the other kids arrive. I think it's maybe a first-born thing to need to have to have the undivided attention of every adult in your life before you lose it to a bunch of other whiny brats.
7:19 Feel sorry for teachers.
7:20 Tell Kid #1 that if he wants to be on-time he needs to get dressed now. Toss him his clothes and head upstairs to take the emotional temperature of kid #2 who is NOT A MORNING PERSON. He gets that from me.
Pause outside of Kid #3's door and hear him grunting happily to himself. Realize he's probably pooping and keep walking.
Peek in to find Kid #2 hiding under the covers. Crawl under the blankets with him and proceed to tell him how special he is and what a great day we have planned and that it's going to be SO MUCH FUN taking kid #1 to Kindergarten and why don't we go downstairs now so he can have something to eat before we leave?
7:22 Think that when the kids are grown maybe I will become a hostage negotiator or talk people off of ledges. Terrorists and psychopaths probably have a lot in common with my three year old.
7:26 Exit Kid #2's room and stop to collect Kid #3. Carry #2 and #3 down the stairs because one refuses to walk and one cannot walk yet. Wonder how Kid #1 will get to school when I fall down the stairs and break my back.
7:28 Kid #1 is getting anxious. It is almost 7:30 and that is we should ALREADY BE IN THE CAR and WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE HIM?
The major flaw in his argument is that he still isn't dressed. Tell him we aren't going anywhere until he puts his clothes on. That buys me at least five more minutes. Slide the rejected bowl of Kid #1's soggy Cheerios to Kid #2 and say "Look! I made you breakfast before you got up so it would be ready for you when you came down!" One mouthful and his expression tells me he knows I am full of shit. He asks for Eggo pancakes. I throw three frozen discs into the mircowave.
7:30 Kid #3 is crying and has indeed pooped. I hand him his bottle and change his diaper and then abandon him to get the pancakes out of the microwave and cut them up for kid #2. Kid #3 is the first of my three children to figure out how to hold his own bottle. I guess somewhere along the way he realized that his survival depended on it.
7:31 Marvel at evolution.
7:36 Kid #1 is dressed. His shirt is on backwards but he refuses to turn it around. I decide the Kindergarten teacher has probably seen worse and let it go. Kid #2 wants to play with play doh. Fine but only if he eats his chocolate chip pancakes. Because I'm all about nutrition.
7:38 Kid #3 has finished his bottle and is eating the play doh that Kid #2 is dropping off of the kitchen table. Figure there's time to get some food in the baby before we have to get in the car and spoon some of the twice rejected mushy Cheerios onto his high chair tray. He eats it happily.
7:39 Think about how awesome third kids are.
7:41 Kid #3 reaches over and grabs a plate off of the kitchen table and throws it on the ground with the enthusiasm of a guest at a Greek wedding. Pick the biggest chunks up off the floor and make a mental note to sweep later. Realize I will probably forget to do that and decide that I am happy that it was a ceramic plate and not glass.
7:42 Wonder if it was a good idea having a third kid.
7:43 Kid #1 is in the back row of the minivan yelling at us that it's time to go. Kid #3 decides to stiffen every muscle in his body the moment I attempt to put him in the car seat, providing me with my ab and arm workout of the day. Both of us are sweating but I win. I always win.
7:44 Run back into the house to collect Kid #2. He is standing at the door with a bag of pretzels, a juice box, his security blanket and an ipad. Have I mentioned that it takes LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES to get to school and back? Think about telling him he doesn't need any of that for a car ride this short. Oh, who am I kidding, if I let him take this stuff I can avoid having a major battle at 7:45 am and Kid #1 potentially imploding in the back seat. Let's just go.
Kid #2 pauses.
"Actually" he says, "I think I have to poop."
I swear to G-d this child holds his poop until it's time to take his brother to school. It took six months to convince him that pooping on the potty is a REALLY GOOD THING. He knows I am not going to jeopardize his newfound potty training success by telling him to hold it or by getting mad. It's his "I might be the middle child but I WILL have control over my morning" ultimate act of defiance.
For the record, I totally respect this.
7:46 Finally get Kid #2's butt wiped and throw him in the car. He is screaming because I forgot his pretzels. Baby is screaming because he's in the car. Kid #1 is screaming that we are now officially going to be LATE. I am screaming that I need everyone to STOP SCREAMING.
7:47 I wave to the Indian neighbor heading off to Kumon with her three year old in tow. He is not screaming. He's probably reading War and Peace in the backseat. Wonder when Indians will officially rule the world.
7:48 Pull up to the school. Kid #1 jumps out of the car and starts running down the sidewalk. As the minivan doors slowly close I smile at the sight of his skinny little legs and flailing arms.
Then I realize Kid #1 left his backpack in the car, "OH SHIT" I yell. A parent walking their child down the sidewalk glares at me. Crap, I just said that out loud. See, bus culture is nothing compared to what you hear coming out the window of my Odyssey. I start screaming "You forgot your backpack!!!" but the noise of the buses letting off kids and the kids themselves drowns out my cries. I pull into a parking space and jump out of the car, grabbing both kids and the backpack.
I look at myself. I am wearing flip flops, pajama pants, an old tee shirt and no bra. Both kids are in their jammies and my three year old is not wearing shoes. I do not look like I've been awake for an hour and a half. I do not look like I know what a hairbrush is.
I can't believe I have to walk into my son's elementary school like this. I search for an adult who I can hand the backpack off to so I don't have to go inside but they all look so together - they're wearing pants with zippers and everything - and I'm too embarrassed to approach them. Luckily, the moment I get to the door the guidance counselor walks out of it with his hand on my son's shoulder. "Looking for someone?" he asks cheefully.
Kid #1 looks up at me with tears welling in his eyes. "I forgot my backpack" he says. I hand it to him. He looks at me, grateful for something I've done for the first time this morning. I bend down and hug him. "Have a great day." I say. He smiles and turns to go back inside.
7:50 Put Kid #2 and Kid #3 back in the car. Start to drive away. Paul Simon's "Loves Me Like a Rock" is on the radio.
"...she loves me like a rock, rocks me like the rock of ages, she loves me....she loves me loves me loves me loves me."
Oh, do I ever!
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