So. After the success of last summer's Outer Banks vacation, The Husband and I decided we would return for another week of fun on the North Carolina coast. This was before the recent rash of shark bites took control of the 24 hour news cycle, effectively scaring everyone off of the beach because (surprise!) there are animals who live in the water that might confuse a human leg for dinner.
This year, instead of traveling with our friends and former neighbors (some of whom are still barely speaking to each other after last year's trip), we decided to go with most of the members of The Husband's extended family on his dad's side.
Thirty-two of them to be exact.
I guess the rationalization for this was along the lines of "there might be conflict, but we're family, we have to speak to each other when this trip is over." After all, we're Jewish, the thought of a Sunday dinner with strained silences and unspoken resentments would never cross our minds. And even though all but four members of the family live within a 12 mile radius of each other in Northeast Ohio, we decided it just makes sense for all of us to get in the car and drive for ten hours so that we can all live under one roof for seven days and six nights.
Have I mentioned that the patriarch and matriarch of my husband's family, the late Sam and Ida, were Holocaust survivors who spent four years living in the woods of Poland fighting the Nazis? If not, it's worth mentioning now to remind you of:
a. The strength and determination of the descendants of Grandpa Sam and Grandma Ida
b. The pressure we feel to carry on their legacy and exist as one big happy family
Because if 32 family members (13 of them being children under the age of 13) cannot enjoy spending a week together in a beach house with 12 bedrooms, 13 full and 2 half bathrooms, a home theater, heated swimming pool, hot tub, indoor putting green and rooftop deck then the Nazis have won.
Thinking about what my husband's grandparents endured during the war brings to mind other people in the past who had to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles to provide for their families and make a better life for their children. Like the Pilgrims who overcame the Indians, and the Mormons who to this day overcome 'unnatural urges' and caffeine...although how they manage to raise all those kids without the help of a Keurig is pretty damn unnatural to me.
And that's what I am thinking about ten minutes into Day 1 of our journey when Kid #1 starts to complain that he is bored.
I look around and this is what I see: A car with not one, but two navigation systems being employed to get us to our correct destination, two ipads blaring YouTube videos thanks to a wifi hot spot plugged into the cigarette lighter, a portable dvd player for my toddler with Elmo chortling maniacally about the antics of Mr. Noodle, XM Satellite Radio that is turned off so that we can instead stream music from Spotify through my iphone which is plugged into the USB port in the glove compartment.
"In my day, " I begin, "we didn't have any of this 'technology' stuff..."
I pause, wondering when I turned into an 85 year old man.
"You know what we did on car trips?" I continue, "We read. We slept. We looked out the window. We listened to music on our walkmans."
My children look confused. I'm not sure where I lost them - the window part or the Walkmans - but I realize that these kids have no fucking clue. If they can't imagine life before You Tube how would they have fared in the 80's when MTV only played music videos?
When a phone was only used for talking to people?
When the only computer game around was The Oregon Trail.
Ah, The Oregon Trail! The highlight of my elementary school computer class years. The game developed in 1974 to teach children about the realities of 19th century pioneer life and the perils of cross-country travel. What better way to think about heading to the beach in our pimped out Honda Odyssey than to compare it to a cross country trek in a covered wagon where you were likely to come down with dysentery before reaching the Mississippi river?
Here's how my family's Oregon Trail would have gone:
Before starting on a long journey, every family needs to choose a leader. Although I am the one who packed three suitcases, a beach bag, a cooler full of snacks and a fifteen pound diaper bag, The Husband was not about to surrender control of the reigns - er, car keys- and so it is him who holds the coveted role of The Leader (coveted mainly because he who leads also gets to pick the music in the car). And so, like the brave pioneer women of the past, it falls on me to be the woman behind the man on this trip.
Literally. I will spend 95 percent of the trip BEHIND my husband in the back seat feeding, entertaining, and making sure there's internet connection for our spawn.
In the game, as in Early American Life, The Leader has to choose one of three professions: Banker, Carpenter, or Farmer. Today I guess that would translate to Accountant, Contractor, or Agricultural engineer. Each career choice has it's strengths and weaknesses when it comes to surviving the turnpike and the question one must ask oneself is would you rather fix that flat tire or hunt for wild game? Since The Leader of our car is a vegetarian and the most useful tool he owns is his AAA card, you can guess what career he has chosen. Also, did I mention we're Jewish?
Before leaving on a trip of this magnitude, early settlers would visit The General Store to buy supplies for the trip. Oh, to live in the day where The General Store was your one stop shop for all of your traveling essentials! Some might say that Wal-Mart is today's General Store but I refuse to shop there out of principles I can't explain other than "it's icky." #peopleofwalmart
Before our trip I make the following purchases at the following places:
• Target: Swimsuits, floaties, suntan lotion, snack foods
• Boxed.com: Snack foods, suntan lotion
• Old Navy: Clothes for our professional photo shoot (because I am not about to waste money on 'good' clothes my kids are going to end up rolling around in the sand in thirty seconds after the photos are taken)
• Amazon.com: Extra pack n' play sheets, videos for the car ride, books for the car ride, snack foods
• Zappos: Five bathing suits (with the promise to The Husband that at least four will be returned after I try them on in the privacy of my own home where I can sob quietly about stretch marks without a nosy salesperson interrupting)
• Giant Eagle: snack foods
Clearly, I am not going to let any member of our party fall victim to starvation, melanoma, boredom, or inappropriate beach attire.
Time to load the wagon - er - minivan.
At 6:30 am we arrive at The Leader's Aunt and Uncle's house which is roughly three and a half miles from our own home. Kid #2 has already asked "Are We There Yet?" three times and I have already started to regret not packing earplugs. We are the only car out of six that has consented to caravan-ing with the older generation, probably because we are the only car in the group that will need as many rest stops as they will.
Upon arrival, it is discovered that The Leader's Uncle has not fully recovered from the emergency appendectomy he had had forty eight hours earlier and will need to be fully reclined for the next 8 hours in my in-law's SUV. This presents a space problem as the vehicle is already at max capacity with plastic cups and silverware, family size boxes of Raisin Bran™ and toilet paper. "I guess I won't bring my yoga mat..." I hear Husband's Aunt say sadly as she attempts to close the trunk.
(Did pioneers even have yoga mats? My guess is they downward dogged their way through the Great Plains on bloody buffalo skins and woven corn husks).
Also, why so much Raisin Bran? This is a question I will ask myself for the next three hours, until it is explained to me during a longer than necessary bathroom break that the pain pills The Uncle is on is causing some, um, slowing down of intestinal traffic. Apparently all the pioneers needed to combat that dysentery was a few Percoset.
Also, good call on the extra TP to go with all that fiber.
In order to expedite our departure, The Leader and I offer to take three pool noodles in our vehicle. Why my mother-in-law only bought three noodles for 13 kids concerns me. Maybe she doesn't anticipate every wagon, SUV, and minivan in the caravan surviving the journey.
It's 7 am and the kids have decided that it's time to hit the road. Literally. My children have jumped out of the car and are hitting the road with the pool noodles.
An hour and a half later we have traveled 150 miles and if our progress was being displayed on a computer screen this is how it would read:
Food supply: Average.
My THREE children have consumed:
• Eight squeezee applesauce pouches
• Five bags of goldfish crackers
• Six juice boxes
• Eight handfuls of pretzels
• Some gum
Apparently sitting strapped into a car seat for an extended period of time works up an appetite.
Car condition: Fair.
An additional handful of pretzels are on the floor of the minivan after my two year old decides to demonstrate that he knows the meaning of "make it rain."
I look around and this is what I see: A car with not one, but two navigation systems being employed to get us to our correct destination, two ipads blaring YouTube videos thanks to a wifi hot spot plugged into the cigarette lighter, a portable dvd player for my toddler with Elmo chortling maniacally about the antics of Mr. Noodle, XM Satellite Radio that is turned off so that we can instead stream music from Spotify through my iphone which is plugged into the USB port in the glove compartment.
"In my day, " I begin, "we didn't have any of this 'technology' stuff..."
I pause, wondering when I turned into an 85 year old man.
"You know what we did on car trips?" I continue, "We read. We slept. We looked out the window. We listened to music on our walkmans."
My children look confused. I'm not sure where I lost them - the window part or the Walkmans - but I realize that these kids have no fucking clue. If they can't imagine life before You Tube how would they have fared in the 80's when MTV only played music videos?
When a phone was only used for talking to people?
When the only computer game around was The Oregon Trail.
Ah, The Oregon Trail! The highlight of my elementary school computer class years. The game developed in 1974 to teach children about the realities of 19th century pioneer life and the perils of cross-country travel. What better way to think about heading to the beach in our pimped out Honda Odyssey than to compare it to a cross country trek in a covered wagon where you were likely to come down with dysentery before reaching the Mississippi river?
Here's how my family's Oregon Trail would have gone:
Before starting on a long journey, every family needs to choose a leader. Although I am the one who packed three suitcases, a beach bag, a cooler full of snacks and a fifteen pound diaper bag, The Husband was not about to surrender control of the reigns - er, car keys- and so it is him who holds the coveted role of The Leader (coveted mainly because he who leads also gets to pick the music in the car). And so, like the brave pioneer women of the past, it falls on me to be the woman behind the man on this trip.
Literally. I will spend 95 percent of the trip BEHIND my husband in the back seat feeding, entertaining, and making sure there's internet connection for our spawn.
In the game, as in Early American Life, The Leader has to choose one of three professions: Banker, Carpenter, or Farmer. Today I guess that would translate to Accountant, Contractor, or Agricultural engineer. Each career choice has it's strengths and weaknesses when it comes to surviving the turnpike and the question one must ask oneself is would you rather fix that flat tire or hunt for wild game? Since The Leader of our car is a vegetarian and the most useful tool he owns is his AAA card, you can guess what career he has chosen. Also, did I mention we're Jewish?
Before leaving on a trip of this magnitude, early settlers would visit The General Store to buy supplies for the trip. Oh, to live in the day where The General Store was your one stop shop for all of your traveling essentials! Some might say that Wal-Mart is today's General Store but I refuse to shop there out of principles I can't explain other than "it's icky." #peopleofwalmart
Before our trip I make the following purchases at the following places:
• Target: Swimsuits, floaties, suntan lotion, snack foods
• Boxed.com: Snack foods, suntan lotion
• Old Navy: Clothes for our professional photo shoot (because I am not about to waste money on 'good' clothes my kids are going to end up rolling around in the sand in thirty seconds after the photos are taken)
• Amazon.com: Extra pack n' play sheets, videos for the car ride, books for the car ride, snack foods
• Zappos: Five bathing suits (with the promise to The Husband that at least four will be returned after I try them on in the privacy of my own home where I can sob quietly about stretch marks without a nosy salesperson interrupting)
• Giant Eagle: snack foods
Clearly, I am not going to let any member of our party fall victim to starvation, melanoma, boredom, or inappropriate beach attire.
Time to load the wagon - er - minivan.
At 6:30 am we arrive at The Leader's Aunt and Uncle's house which is roughly three and a half miles from our own home. Kid #2 has already asked "Are We There Yet?" three times and I have already started to regret not packing earplugs. We are the only car out of six that has consented to caravan-ing with the older generation, probably because we are the only car in the group that will need as many rest stops as they will.
Upon arrival, it is discovered that The Leader's Uncle has not fully recovered from the emergency appendectomy he had had forty eight hours earlier and will need to be fully reclined for the next 8 hours in my in-law's SUV. This presents a space problem as the vehicle is already at max capacity with plastic cups and silverware, family size boxes of Raisin Bran™ and toilet paper. "I guess I won't bring my yoga mat..." I hear Husband's Aunt say sadly as she attempts to close the trunk.
(Did pioneers even have yoga mats? My guess is they downward dogged their way through the Great Plains on bloody buffalo skins and woven corn husks).
Also, why so much Raisin Bran? This is a question I will ask myself for the next three hours, until it is explained to me during a longer than necessary bathroom break that the pain pills The Uncle is on is causing some, um, slowing down of intestinal traffic. Apparently all the pioneers needed to combat that dysentery was a few Percoset.
Also, good call on the extra TP to go with all that fiber.
In order to expedite our departure, The Leader and I offer to take three pool noodles in our vehicle. Why my mother-in-law only bought three noodles for 13 kids concerns me. Maybe she doesn't anticipate every wagon, SUV, and minivan in the caravan surviving the journey.
It's 7 am and the kids have decided that it's time to hit the road. Literally. My children have jumped out of the car and are hitting the road with the pool noodles.
An hour and a half later we have traveled 150 miles and if our progress was being displayed on a computer screen this is how it would read:
Food supply: Average.
My THREE children have consumed:
• Eight squeezee applesauce pouches
• Five bags of goldfish crackers
• Six juice boxes
• Eight handfuls of pretzels
• Some gum
Apparently sitting strapped into a car seat for an extended period of time works up an appetite.
Car condition: Fair.
An additional handful of pretzels are on the floor of the minivan after my two year old decides to demonstrate that he knows the meaning of "make it rain."
Technology: Fair.
Only one of the two portable DVD players is working which means that every time one video ends I have to hop into the back seat and unstrap the player from the seat back that it is currently on and move it to the seat back of the kid whose turn it is to watch the next DVD.
Energy Level: Poor
This is due to the number of times that I have had to climb into the back seat to:
• Open a juice box (would someone please tell me how it is that my children can pick the lock on the bathroom door in under five seconds but are unable to insert a straw into a Capri Sun?)
• Recline a seat so Kid #2 can take a nap
• Return the seat to it's upright position three minutes later because 'naps are boring'
• Retrieve a Lego person that has fallen between the seats
• Retrieve Kid #3's teddy bear that had fallen between the car seat and the car door eight times because THAT'S A HILARIOUS WAY TO PASS FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES!!!
• Open a new box of markers because Kid #2 wants to color
• Retrieve the caps from every single one of the twelve markers after they have fallen on the floor and rolled under the seat so that they don't dry out before we've reached the OH/PA border
• Take markers away from Kid #3 after he uses them to color his entire face purple
• Clean the marker off of two year old's face with spit and a starbucks napkin.
JUST LIKE THE PIONEERS DID.
Music: None. The Leader insists on torturing me with sports radio.
I plug in my headphones and attempt to listen to This American Life but am interrupted by a fight that has broken out over
• Whose turn it is to pick the next movie.
• Who spit at whom first.
• The red pool noodle.
• The blue pool noodle.
• The green pool noodle.
I honestly am not sure what the pool noodle fights are about, but am happy to see how well my kids know their colors. I also realize I'm never going to get past the intro portion of the podcast and give up.
Only one of the two portable DVD players is working which means that every time one video ends I have to hop into the back seat and unstrap the player from the seat back that it is currently on and move it to the seat back of the kid whose turn it is to watch the next DVD.
Energy Level: Poor
This is due to the number of times that I have had to climb into the back seat to:
• Open a juice box (would someone please tell me how it is that my children can pick the lock on the bathroom door in under five seconds but are unable to insert a straw into a Capri Sun?)
• Recline a seat so Kid #2 can take a nap
• Return the seat to it's upright position three minutes later because 'naps are boring'
• Retrieve a Lego person that has fallen between the seats
• Retrieve Kid #3's teddy bear that had fallen between the car seat and the car door eight times because THAT'S A HILARIOUS WAY TO PASS FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES!!!
• Open a new box of markers because Kid #2 wants to color
• Retrieve the caps from every single one of the twelve markers after they have fallen on the floor and rolled under the seat so that they don't dry out before we've reached the OH/PA border
• Take markers away from Kid #3 after he uses them to color his entire face purple
• Clean the marker off of two year old's face with spit and a starbucks napkin.
JUST LIKE THE PIONEERS DID.
Music: None. The Leader insists on torturing me with sports radio.
I plug in my headphones and attempt to listen to This American Life but am interrupted by a fight that has broken out over
• Whose turn it is to pick the next movie.
• Who spit at whom first.
• The red pool noodle.
• The blue pool noodle.
• The green pool noodle.
I honestly am not sure what the pool noodle fights are about, but am happy to see how well my kids know their colors. I also realize I'm never going to get past the intro portion of the podcast and give up.
Time for a Rest Stop.
Now, on the Oregon Trail, there were many challenges that one faced when stopping the wagon to reload, refuel, and recharge. Thieves who might run off with your ammo. Snakebites. Communicable diseases like Measles and Typhoid.
In Pennsylvania and Virginia rest stops we encountered the following
• Thieves who might run off with our cattle, I mean kids. OK, most of the people we met off the turnpike were too busy dealing with their screaming offspring to bother with our wild animals, but this one guy in Eastern PA who was missing most of his teeth made me double check to make sure I locked my kids in the car when I went in to retrieve my Starbucks.
I'M JUST KIDDING I WOULD NEVER LEAVE MY KIDS IN THE CAR TO RUN INTO STARBUCKS.
It was totally a Dunkin Donuts.
• Kids who refuse to pee in the public restroom because they are scared of the automatic flushing toilets. #firstworldproblems.
• Kids who insist on touching everything in the public bathroom. Because who doesn't want to start their trip with a cholera or some other disease that is only around today because of Jenny McCarthy.
Now, on the Oregon Trail, there were many challenges that one faced when stopping the wagon to reload, refuel, and recharge. Thieves who might run off with your ammo. Snakebites. Communicable diseases like Measles and Typhoid.
In Pennsylvania and Virginia rest stops we encountered the following
• Thieves who might run off with our cattle, I mean kids. OK, most of the people we met off the turnpike were too busy dealing with their screaming offspring to bother with our wild animals, but this one guy in Eastern PA who was missing most of his teeth made me double check to make sure I locked my kids in the car when I went in to retrieve my Starbucks.
I'M JUST KIDDING I WOULD NEVER LEAVE MY KIDS IN THE CAR TO RUN INTO STARBUCKS.
It was totally a Dunkin Donuts.
• Kids who refuse to pee in the public restroom because they are scared of the automatic flushing toilets. #firstworldproblems.
• Kids who insist on touching everything in the public bathroom. Because who doesn't want to start their trip with a cholera or some other disease that is only around today because of Jenny McCarthy.
Don't roll your eyes - you know that toothless guy was just full of measles, mumps and rubella.
Meanwhile The Leader's Uncle is not looking good, and according to my in-laws had spent the previous three hours moaning like a woman in the late stages of labor. I wonder if he will be our first casualty and whether we will leave him on the side of the road or at least check him into an Courtyard by Marriott if he is deemed unable to continue the journey.
Back on the road.
Three hours later two children are whining and one is screaming and arching his back in an unnatural way in a desperate attempt to escape the confines of his five point harness car seat.
We pass a billboard that says "Abortion is Forever" and I wonder whether this is a pro-life or pro-choice message.
Food Supply: Low
In addition to consuming every snack food in the car, my children have eaten.
• Auntie Ann's pretzels from Rest Stop #3.
• Strawberries from Aunt Ileen's purse. Some aunts have gum. This aunt has fresh produce. Not sure if this is to aid in her husband's fiber intake or if they were running a special at the grocery store.
• The remains of a ring pop from three weeks ago that Kid #1 found in a cup holder.
Technology: Poor
Two ipads are at 10% battery life and the ipad charger is being used to power the navigation system. One of them, anyway. Am afraid to ask The Leader why we need two, so I tell the children that they should try closing all the apps they aren't using to conserve energy. Am met with looks of horror.
My iphone also has limited battery life left, therefore I make the decision to stop pinning art projects on Pinterest that I will never actually do with my kids.
Energy Level: High. Really High.
Did you know that pretty much every rest stop in Pennsylvania has a Starbucks? And that the average road trip with three kids and an uncle on Ex-Lax stops six times in four hours? And that there's something in Starbucks Iced Coffee that makes me want another iced coffee as soon as the first one has been consumed or we get to the next rest stop or whatever happens first?
Yeah, you get it.
Music: Nostalgic
The Husband and I are attempting to drown out the sound of whining children by singing along to the radio. And by radio I mean Spotify's 90's grunge playlist featuring Oasis, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Better Than Ezra and Bush. We have officially become the parents who torture their children on road trips by singing along to the music that was cool when they were young.
Reinforcement Time.
Around 1 pm we stop for lunch at a Le Pain Quotidien where we dine on artisinal quiche, rustic tomato basil soup and quinoa salad. Quinoa is an ancient grain and the table is made of reclaimed wood and burlap so I figure this is the closest we are going to come on this trip to dining JUST LIKE THE PIONEERS DID.
We also pick up The Husband's younger brother, The Best Uncle Ever (TBU).
Now, back in the day, it was not unusual to lose members of the wagon party while on the trail. There were communicable diseases that probably could have been avoided if the people weren't drinking the water from the rivers they were fording as well extreme exhaustion, and countless broken bones.
Honestly, the number of times that "Mary has a broken arm" popped up on my Apple 2c screen makes me wonder... Why were there were so many orthopedic injuries that could have been avoided if Mary just watched where she was going. Was there also a lack of calcium supplements on the trail or was domestic violence an issue? There's only so many times that Mary can claim that her broken arm was that result of falling off the wagon...I mean unless it was the metaphorical AA wagon, in which case, Mary, I totally get it. Road trips make me want to drink too.
Anyway, unlike the pioneers we actually added a member to our wagon party. TBU had just flown in from London to Washington DC, which conveniently was where we had planned to stop for lunch. Adding another person to the 19th century wagon train might have upset the delicate balance of weight, rations, and created the potential for the contamination of typhus, but if it wasn't already clear by the sheer amount of technology present in our vehicle, times have changed.
An hour later, this is what our status looks like:
Meanwhile The Leader's Uncle is not looking good, and according to my in-laws had spent the previous three hours moaning like a woman in the late stages of labor. I wonder if he will be our first casualty and whether we will leave him on the side of the road or at least check him into an Courtyard by Marriott if he is deemed unable to continue the journey.
Back on the road.
Three hours later two children are whining and one is screaming and arching his back in an unnatural way in a desperate attempt to escape the confines of his five point harness car seat.
We pass a billboard that says "Abortion is Forever" and I wonder whether this is a pro-life or pro-choice message.
Food Supply: Low
In addition to consuming every snack food in the car, my children have eaten.
• Auntie Ann's pretzels from Rest Stop #3.
• Strawberries from Aunt Ileen's purse. Some aunts have gum. This aunt has fresh produce. Not sure if this is to aid in her husband's fiber intake or if they were running a special at the grocery store.
• The remains of a ring pop from three weeks ago that Kid #1 found in a cup holder.
Technology: Poor
Two ipads are at 10% battery life and the ipad charger is being used to power the navigation system. One of them, anyway. Am afraid to ask The Leader why we need two, so I tell the children that they should try closing all the apps they aren't using to conserve energy. Am met with looks of horror.
My iphone also has limited battery life left, therefore I make the decision to stop pinning art projects on Pinterest that I will never actually do with my kids.
Energy Level: High. Really High.
Did you know that pretty much every rest stop in Pennsylvania has a Starbucks? And that the average road trip with three kids and an uncle on Ex-Lax stops six times in four hours? And that there's something in Starbucks Iced Coffee that makes me want another iced coffee as soon as the first one has been consumed or we get to the next rest stop or whatever happens first?
Yeah, you get it.
Music: Nostalgic
The Husband and I are attempting to drown out the sound of whining children by singing along to the radio. And by radio I mean Spotify's 90's grunge playlist featuring Oasis, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Better Than Ezra and Bush. We have officially become the parents who torture their children on road trips by singing along to the music that was cool when they were young.
Reinforcement Time.
Around 1 pm we stop for lunch at a Le Pain Quotidien where we dine on artisinal quiche, rustic tomato basil soup and quinoa salad. Quinoa is an ancient grain and the table is made of reclaimed wood and burlap so I figure this is the closest we are going to come on this trip to dining JUST LIKE THE PIONEERS DID.
We also pick up The Husband's younger brother, The Best Uncle Ever (TBU).
Now, back in the day, it was not unusual to lose members of the wagon party while on the trail. There were communicable diseases that probably could have been avoided if the people weren't drinking the water from the rivers they were fording as well extreme exhaustion, and countless broken bones.
Honestly, the number of times that "Mary has a broken arm" popped up on my Apple 2c screen makes me wonder... Why were there were so many orthopedic injuries that could have been avoided if Mary just watched where she was going. Was there also a lack of calcium supplements on the trail or was domestic violence an issue? There's only so many times that Mary can claim that her broken arm was that result of falling off the wagon...I mean unless it was the metaphorical AA wagon, in which case, Mary, I totally get it. Road trips make me want to drink too.
Anyway, unlike the pioneers we actually added a member to our wagon party. TBU had just flown in from London to Washington DC, which conveniently was where we had planned to stop for lunch. Adding another person to the 19th century wagon train might have upset the delicate balance of weight, rations, and created the potential for the contamination of typhus, but if it wasn't already clear by the sheer amount of technology present in our vehicle, times have changed.
An hour later, this is what our status looks like:Food Supply: Above Average
TBU brings to our wag-er-minivan a fresh supply of snacks. Namely candy bars from Great Britain (which FYI are exactly the same as candy bars from America but with artificial flavor spelled 'artificial flavour.'), Gummy Worms and Gatorade. He's a marathon runner and pretty much always in the middle of training for some race or another (I half expected that at any moment he would spring from the car, yell, "gotta get my forty miles in today!" and meet us at the next rest stop) which explains both the need for Gatorade and also his ability to eat the rest of that crap and not gain a pound.
Technology Status: Average
With TBU comes a portable iphone/ipad charger, allowing for more devices to charge while en route to our destination. Two of the three children are also able to agree on the same DVD and the other child is (gasp) reading a book. A real one, with actual pages that actually turn. I wonder if the pioneers would have been jsut a little bit impressed that my seven year old can read a chapter book. Pretty sure the Common Core of the 1800's focused on making change at The General Store and trying to figure out how what to do when you shot 200 lbs of Buffalo but your wagon could only hold 10 of it...
#nomeatleftbehind.
Energy Level: Low
We have hit our mid-afternoon blood sugar crash. Within thirty minutes of leaving our nation's capital there is a car full of sleeping children. One thing that has not changed over time is the expression "silence is golden." Or in our case "Everything is Awesome" because that silence is filled with the sounds of The Lego Movie, an ipad game that beeps and buzzes at random intervals because no one knows how to turn it off and the sound of the radio which TBU has taken control of.Music: Today's Hits
With a hip 27 year old New Yorker in control of Spotify the music went from Come As You Are and Evenflow to Shut Up and Dance and Bad Blood. I'm not complaining, seeing as all that 90's angst was making me relive my awkward teenage years and I was this close to searching the internet for some flannel and a choker.
By the way, I'm pretty sure that fact that I referred to a 27 year old as 'hip' officially makes me old.
Three hours later we arrive at our destination - the Aloft in Virginia where we will camp out for the night. I am aware that technically it's a hotel and not a campsite, but if you've ever stayed at an Aloft you get it - no turn-down service or accommodations described as "heavenly" means you might as well be sleeping under the stars with the oxen. There we will find sustenance at the local watering hole (a bar and grille that allows its patrons to smoke indoors JUST LIKE THE PIONEERS DID) and multiple outlets in which to charge our multiple devices.
The next day we will awaken with the sun, not because we forgot to close the curtains but because our two year old makes the rules on vacation. We will learn that The Leader's Uncle has survived the night and seems to have turned the corner in his recovery but I will exit that conversation before I am subject to the details of his, er, breakthrough.
It is at this point that we will now embark on what is be the most critical part of the trip - crossing the Atlantic Ocean to get to the Outer Banks. Critical because if one does not make it to the bridge that links the mainland to the island before eight am, one must sit in traffic for up to two hours with all of the other crazy - er, I mean, adventurous - families. Families with their minivans overflowing with pool noodles, sunscreen, goldfish crackers, portable tablets, and enough charging cords to whip a team of horses into shape.
JUST LIKE THE PIONEERS DID.
Thanks to our early risers and what I have come to believe is cocaine-laced iced coffee from Starbucks we make it to the bridge with time to spare and spend the next five minutes yelling "LOOK KIDS WE ARE ON A BRIDGE" in a desperate attempt to get our children to look up from Angry Birds and appreciate the sacrifice that their parents are making for them by enduring ten hours in a car in order to go where....so many other suburban families are going this summer in to get away from the stress of every day and enjoy the wonders of this land without the distraction of technology.
Just like the pioneers did.
Thanks to our early risers and what I have come to believe is cocaine-laced iced coffee from Starbucks we make it to the bridge with time to spare and spend the next five minutes yelling "LOOK KIDS WE ARE ON A BRIDGE" in a desperate attempt to get our children to look up from Angry Birds and appreciate the sacrifice that their parents are making for them by enduring ten hours in a car in order to go where....so many other suburban families are going this summer in to get away from the stress of every day and enjoy the wonders of this land without the distraction of technology.
Just like the pioneers did.
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